Why, Writer, Why: The Disney Seven Chapter 11

For those of you who are returning, welcome back for more tediousness and snark. For those of you who don't know what's happened so far, here's a recap.

Chapter 1: Some kids mess around with a magical device and accidentally summon three villains into their town while Jiminy Cricket narrates about unimportant stuff that nobody cares about.
Chapter 2: Gaston, Cruella and Frollo take over the town with no problems whatsoever. (Don't even bother asking why or how: we just don't know.) Cruella has all of the schoolgirls in town in a sweatshop and she's also kidnapped all of the town's pets, but everyone else seems to care more about Frollo ruining Founder's Day than either of the previous two problems.
Chapter 3: Jiminy gets Simba, Aladar, Belle, Ariel, Quasimodo and Esmeralda to help fight off the bad guys. He wanted to recruit Jasmine as well, but she couldn't go because she was pregnant. (Don't even bother asking why the Genie couldn't go instead, why these characters were the ones to be picked, or why there can be only seven of them: we just don't know.) Tinkerbell tells Jiminy about some mystery hero who could help them and that's all we'll find out about the seventh hero for a while.
Chapter 4: Frollo starts making some creepy advances on Tina and she misinterprets this as him having a romantic interest in her. Fortunately this stops before anything really disturbing happens. That's about it, really... Oh, except for the part where Jiminy and the six heroes are all inside of Tina's house waiting for her.
Chapter 5: The group of heroes discuss how they're going to destroy the villains, yet we don't really know what they're going to do outside of splitting up into groups and having Tina pretend to fall for Frollo. The seventh hero (who's still unidentified) waltzes into town at the end of the chapter and leaves just as quickly.
Chapter 6: We briefly find out that Frollo is planning on making new laws and torture devices, but that's quickly forgotten about in favor of a very slow rescue mission involving Simba and Aladar saving the town's pets from Horace and Jasper and then deciding to take them to Tina's barn. Also, there's a gas chamber in an abandoned post office for some reason. It has nothing to do with anything, I just felt like mentioning it for how out-of-place it was.
Chapter 7: Belle brings her father to Tina's house to help the girls with something they're building for Frollo, because apparently they're not smart enough to do it themselves. While that's going on, Tina and Frollo get...uncomfortably close. It's just a couple of kisses, but it's really uncomfortable.
Chapter 8: Tina finally figures out that maybe Frollo really doesn't like her the way she thought he did. While that's going on, Quasimodo and her kids are trying to pull off some overly-complex plan to get Gaston and LeFou to turn against Frollo. Of course when I say Quasi and the kids, I mean Quasi and Kris show up and then leave Ben there. It's okay, though, because the seventh hero shows up and finally does something somewhat useful.
Chapter 9: Frollo sends Gaston and LeFou back to the villain's void, thus making him more efficient in directly handling the villain problem than the actual heroes. After that happens, Tina escorts him to the town's jail and shows him Gladostron a torture device that Belle and Maurice secretly built for this occasion (but he doesn't know who built it nor the true reason for why they built it) while Esmeralda and Ariel search Frollo's office for the device he used to get rid of Gaston, LeFou, Jasper and Horace.
Chapter 10: Frollo gets tricked into being put inside Gladostron the torture device while Tina uses it on him. Meanwhile, Simba and Aladar somehow fool Cruella into going after the seventh hero. (Don't even bother asking why she believes it: we just don't know.)

Well, the good news is that I'm almost done with this story. The bad news is that some things in these chapters make this story even less comprehendible...

"Ease her down, Mac, and watch your hand. That little beast is a vicious one. Can't let him grab you."

[Mac? Like the main kid from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends? Holy shit, author, leave him out of this!]

So said the big, blond deliveryman to his companion as he lowered the huge crate to the floor. Wiping the sweat from his brow, he handed Ruth a clipboard, saying, "Sign here. We have orders to take this thing downstairs to the jail. Just let us know exactly where to put it."
Ruth was puzzled. No one had ordered anything to be stored downstairs. Only Tina and the Disney heroines had ordered items for the sham "torture chamber" Frollo wanted, and said chamber now served as Frollo's trap.

[Yeah, we know all of that, Ruth. There's no need for you to repeat it for us, especially after I mentioned this in the recap section.]

Can't let these guys see Tina and the gals down there with Frollo all tied up. They might try to rescue the judge and clap the ladies in jail themselves.

[But why? Nobody in this town likes Frollo!]

"Uh," she said before signing, "I was unaware of any delivery. What is it?" She eyed the crate with suspicion, swearing to herself that she heard a distinctive growl emanating from inside.

[Okay, who had the bright idea to tell the people behind Jurassic Park that they should start making door-to-door dino deliveries?]

The big blond guy raised his cap so Ruth could get a good look at his face. He said, "Ruth, it's me, Phoebus.

[Cap or no, how did she not recognize him? Is Ruth really that stupid?]

We got word from Simba and Aladar that the ladies have Frollo all tied up.

[So the heroes needed to call in other people for help in order to do this.

Is anyone else seeing a big problem here?]

They got Cruella all set up. She's due here any time, so we got to get this crate downstairs, pronto."
"But what's in the crate? I swore I heard something like a growl."
The second man removed his cap, saying, "Ruth, it is I, Clopin.

[Then why did Phoebus even bother not calling you by your name if you're just going to give yourself away like this?]

What is inside this box will set both Frollo and Cruella on edge so much that they will beseech us to send them back to the villains' void.

[A crate full of sentient Seltzerberg films? That is truly evil.]

Simba and Aladar told Cruella that Frollo wanted a rare blue-furred beast for his private collection. She, no doubt, covets the fur. She also has learned that Frollo sold out both her and Gaston. He wants the glory to himself,

[What glory?!]

and he only took those two on for the ride. He had no intention of sharing rule over Walroy. We know about the special device that sends the villains back the void. Frollo has that as well, made for him by Sid."

Now Ruth understood. Nodding and grinning she said, "Well, boys, am I glad you're here. We need all the reinforcements we can get [especially considering how our own group of randomly chosen heroes couldn't get the job done themselves]. Tina and the gals are downstairs with Frollo now. He's really in a bad way, and that's good. So, what is really in that crate?"
Phoebus replaced his cap; Clopin did likewise. Hoisting the crate and heading for the freight elevator, Phoebus said, "Why, it's the Mystery Hero. Quasimodo told us who it is, but I'm not at liberty to reveal his or her identity – Yet! Let Cruella and Frollo find out once we get it all set up. [In other words, none of your business.]"

******

Downstairs in the old jail, four ladies were having the time of their lives. One in particular was thoroughly enjoying watching the formidable Claude Frollo struggle in his own torture device. Well, he wanted, what he called, instruments of [destruction- er,] pain down here, and he wanted a personal demonstration. So why is he so sore?
Giggling out loud, Tina pressed the button again, sending Frollo swinging through the air, his body trapped in a makeshift device of horse collar, chains, straps. All this suspended from a cable hooked up to an old garage door opener. How ingenious of Maurice to suggest the horse collar – it's so...So Frollo!

[...I don't get it.]

"Damn it," Frollo roared, his slim body struggling in its prison, the fine velvet robe now showing signs of wear and tear.

[Good grief, how long has he been in that thing?! I know he's an asshole, but this is just going a little too far.]

"I will get you for this! And you, Esmeralda! I should have known you'd be in on this pathetic attempt to trap me. And you, Ariel and Belle! So help me, when I get out of this infernal contraption..."

[Hey, don't talk about Gladostron like that!]

Esmeralda just sneered, nodding at Ariel, "And what will you do to us, Frollo? You know, if we had this in the Court of Miracles, then maybe..."
"No, Esme," said Belle, "then the movie wouldn't have ended like it did."
"But," rejoined Ariel, "it would have been knock-down funny to see Frollo all trussed up like an old nag."

[No, Ariel, no it wouldn't. Also, a future tip to writers everywhere: if you can't imagine a character saying a certain thing, like Ariel using the phrase "knock-down funny", then don't make them say it.]

That said, the ladies roared with laughter, egging Tina as she aimed the controller at Frollo,

[Hey, I wanna egg Tina too! Come on, let me have some of the fun!]

pressing buttons to make him swing, spin, and bounce up and down.
Claude Frollo could do nothing about it. Has it all come down to this? His dream of ruling the town of Walroy destroyed by four very enterprising women?

[And he would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling heroes and their torture device.]

No doubt they had some help, and Frollo wondered if a certain misshapen bell ringer was in on the scheme. To top it off, he allowed himself, once again to his chagrin, to be suckered into a woman's deadly spell. Why O why won't I ever learn? Curse those manly feelings of love and romance...It is the woman who always lures the most moral of men into her web...No wonder I fell for Tina's supposed 'love' for me...She used me, just like Esmeralda...They're all liars and schemers of the worst sort...

[Author, Esmeralda did not "use" Frollo. I don't care what the fans of the pairing say, either, he was not in love with Esmeralda, nor was he in love with Tina. Lust is not the same as love. I can't even come up with a joke for this, this is just disgusting.]

He heard footsteps [as they walked down the hall] coming downstairs. Now who can this be? Can't be his brutish soldiers because they were currently housed in the next cell, bound and gagged.

[When did they get down there?]

All they could do was helplessly watch their former superior suffer in one of his own torture devices. That never happened before, and they feared what Frollo would do to them if they laughed – It was kind of funny to see him on the business end for a change. Nevertheless, Lt. Oafish did manage to chuckle into his gag, only to have Sgt. Brutish nudge him with a stern look. But Brutish tried his best not to crack up himself.

[Oh my god, you were serious about those being their names?! That's awful!]

Frollo felt somewhat relieved that someone from the villains' void was coming to his rescue.

[What on Earth makes him think that's what's going on?]

Perhaps Gaston had a change of heart and brought reinforcements.

[Yeah, I'm sure he'd be willing to help you out after spontaneously backstabbing him and his goon.
Even if he did change his mind, how the hell would he be able to get back there?!]

His wished Gaston had sense enough to bring a couple of the truly awful, such as Scar or Clayton, even Kron. Yes, a handful of sophisticated villains with actual brains and bad attitudes who put up with no nonsense, not wholly self-absorbed, bumbling idiots like Cruella.

[If you wanted to bring along some intelligent villains for this, then why didn't you bring them with you in the first place instead of Gaston and Cruella?!]

His Honor was also grateful Tina eased up on the remote control. Out of breath and slightly nauseous from the torture harness' wild ride, Frollo muttered to himself. He would make Tina and her band of Disney goody-goodies pay in ways most indescribable.

[ "Goody-goodies"? Really, author? And here I've been praising you for using unique word choices.]

And Ruth...despite that old gal's seemingly all-business demeanor and knack for total efficiency, had it in for Frollo from Day One. Who knew under that sourpuss, schoolmarm expression lay a woman of utter cunning.

[What utter cunning? From what I can tell, she's an annoying idiot.]

No wonder Tina and the girls were able to build this hellish contraption that passed as "torture".

[Well, are you not being tortured by it?]

They want torture, do they?...When I'm free, I'll give them torture like they've never known...

The footsteps grew closer. Frollo could hear voices – two male and one female.

[What are Jessie, James and Meowth doing in this story?]

The latter was Ruth; the former sounded a tad familiar, although Frollo couldn't quite pinpoint where he heard that man's voice. It was high, heavily accented, almost mocking in tone. The other man's voice? It was deep, resonant, cheerful and commanding in tone, all the same.
"Guys," said Ruth before she and men came into view, "you can put the crate in the third cell." "OK, ma'am," said the deeper-voice man, "you just show us where it is. This baby is getting heavy."

[Keep this line in mind for when the mystery hero is finally revealed, okay?]

Tina and Esmeralda looked up to see Ruth, followed by two men carrying a huge crate, descend the stairs. Now what is this?, Tina wondered. Belle, taking a good look at the men's feet, brightened then took Tina aside, whispering, "I know those big boots anywhere – It's Phoebus! And I bet that's Clopin with him. But what are they carrying?"

Ariel grinned, rejoining, "The calvary has arrived, ladies."

[I thought the misspelling of "cavalry" was a typo in the previous chapter, but I guess this author really doesn't know how to spell it.]

Then, remembering not to let Frollo overhear, lest he should spoil the ultimate surprise for a certain fur-loving lady, the mermaid princess lowered her voice, saying, "Quasi told me about this Mystery Hero. He's been showing up in Carl's diner all wrapped up in a coat and hat. No one has actually seen his face other than Ben. Aladar and Simba are luring Cruella here with some fake story about Frollo wanting a rare blue-furred beast. Of course, we all know Cruella can't pass up a chance to own a rare fur. She should be on her way now."

[When was Ariel told about this, and why didn't they tell Tina about it earlier? Again, I'm sensing a major lack of communication among some of these people.]

Tina, now knowing exactly what her son was babbling about last night, said with a wickedly delighted smile, "Ladies, I think we're about to have some fun."

[Don't tell me they're gonna suddenly start singing this while they torture Frollo some more...]

******

Meanwhile, out at Tina's Victorian house, Quasimodo and the children received last minute instructions from Jiminy Cricket.

[Oh yeah, I almost forgot that Jiminy was in this.]

At last report, Simba and Aladar had delivered their message to Cruella, sending the fur-loving villainess marching to City Hall, demanding Frollo give up the "rare blue beast." Said "beast" was en route to the jail, where Claude Frollo was currently in dire straits, thanks to his insatiable desire to have a torture chamber and Tina's all-too anxious desire to give the man what he so richly deserved.

[Why weren't they already made aware of this?]

"But what about the pets?," asked Quasi, "They're still out in the barn."

[Just keep them there until they get rid of Cruella. It's really that simple.]

"Not to worry," said Jiminy. "Once I get an all-clear from Esmeralda, then the furry pals shall return to their respective owners." He looked at the children, saying, "I know you miss Amby and Bungee, but they'll be back.

[Wait, what happened to Amby?]

With Gaston and his buddy securely returned to the void, and Frollo and Cruella just one big breath away from getting the boot, the pets will be safe.

[They've been safe for a while now. Why are they still concerned about them when they're currently not at risk?]

We just can't take any chances while Frollo may have a trick or two up his sleeve. One false move, and our plan to free the town will be blown sky-high."
Quasimodo, scratching his head with worry, asked, "Where are Simba and Aladar now? Not heading to town, I trust. They can't risk being seen."
Jiminy grinned, saying, "They've come up with a few more tricks to send Frollo and Cruella over the edge. And how!"

******

Cruella DeVille sped through the town square, not caring who or what stood in her way. Parking the car in front of City Hall, in a space reserved for Frollo [who has a car now despite not knowing much about modern technology], she got out, puffing furiously on her cigarette, and marched up the steps. Brushing the security guard aside, she said with demanding tone, "Where is Judge Frollo? And don't give me that, 'His Honor is unavailable', because I just spoke with his secretary. She says he was inspecting the jail."
The guard, of Mayor Lee's special security forces, nodded, replying, "Ruth says to go on downstairs to the jail. Judge Frollo is waiting for you."

[Hold it, back the fuck up. There's a guard there? As in a security guard? Like a policeman type of security guard?

...Where the fuck have you been for the last ten chapters or so and why haven't you done jack shit about these people who have taken over the town?!]

"Good!," she said, still blowing smoke rings in the man's face, making him gag a bit. "If your new boss has any sense, he'll turn over what is rightfully mine."
"Oh, Ms. DeVille," the guard said, "Ruth also asked me to tell you the deliverymen just dropped off a package for Frollo, but she thinks it's really for you."
Smiling broadly, Cruella made her way down the corridor to the elevator. "Why walk when I can ride, and this occasion calls for speediness."

Once down in the basement, she wasn't two steps out of the elevator when she heard such commotion. "Hmm...Sounds as if it's coming from the jail. I bet Frollo has someone already trussed up in his torture devices.

[I don't care how shitty this story gets, I will never be unimpressed by it using words like "trussed".]

That's what I like, a man who doesn't fool around. Yet, he's fooled me! Taking what is really mine. Selling me out so he can have it all to himself. I'll show him that he can't play around with Cruella DeVille!"

Her face fixed in a righteous scowl, the ever-present cigarette clutched in her hand, a fur-swathed Cruella descended the stairs. All along the way she said out loud, "All right, Frollo! Where is it! And don't lie to me, because I know exactly what you've been up to. I know all about that device Sid made. You used it to send Gaston and my men back to the void! Well, Claude Frollo, you can't get away with the one thing I so richly deserve."
When she walked into the cellblock, her mouth dropped open in shock; her eyes widened in disbelief at the sight before her.

[I'd ask if it's a musical number, but at this point I know better.]

She took one look at the hapless man strapped in the harness, bouncing around furiously, then glanced at the company gathered.
It didn't quite register at first, but when she saw Simba poke his head in through the barred window (which just a few seconds ago was ripped open by a two-ton Aladar),

[Show. Don't. Tell.]

she finally said, "What have you done with Frollo? And why are all of you here?"

[Holy crap, I don't think Cruella is this stupid.]

Esmeralda merely replied, "This is what happens when someone tries to double-cross you, Cruella. We have what you want, and that little beast can't wait to have his fur all wrapped around you."

[...That sounds nasty when taken out of context.]